Ask Trevor!
Trevor Mahony Crow is a Fairfield Mom and family/marital counselor. In this column, Trevor will be answering questions about family and marriage. If you have a question for Trevor, let us know here.
7/21/10
Q:
I wondered..does Trevor think men and women can be just friends? I am trying to be pals with the husband of a friend of mine (we have a lot in common and have done some work together) but everyone is acting weird about it! can't grown up men and women be just friends? And how can we best try to do it? thanks!
K
A:
Dear K
The answer is in theory, yes, men and women should be able to be just friends. There is an important caveat; if your relationship with your spouse is secure, where you both feel safe and loved, then a friendship with another man should be ok.
Problems arise when your relationship with your spouse is rocky. Ask yourself some questions such as “Am I happy in my marriage? Do I feel like I can speak to my spouse about anything without being afraid or causing an argument?” “Does my marriage feel safe, secure and strong?” “Is my spouse important to me and I to him? Does he have my back and he mine?” If you are ok on all those questions, then the friendship should be ok.
If you are looking for emotional connection because you are not receiving it within your marriage, then that would be threatening to your spouse and the spouse of your friend. He would need to ask all the above questions as well.
Good luck!
Trevor
6/16/10
Trevor Mahoney Crow, LMFT
Q:
My mom’s boyfriend is an alcoholic who becomes verbally abusive after a few drinks. She continually “breaks up” with him over his drinking only to take him back soon after. Needless to say, he doesn’t change. They are in their late 70s / early 80s. Is there any way to get her to see the futility in this relationship or is she doomed to continue the cycle?
C
A:
Dear C,
Your mom has an intense relationship or a strong attachment with a man who is only occasionally available to her. The times when he is there for her, or sober, must be good enough to keep her coming back. When he is drunk and abusive, he is not only unavailable, he hurtful to her as you have witnessed.
He has an artificial attachment to the alcohol. I am hoping that were he to understand how hard it is for her to loose him in these moments, when he is drunk and abusive, he may experience her pain and decide to make changes in his behavior. Usually the substance abuser is unaware of the pain he is causing to those around himself. He is too focused on numbing his own feelings of shame and pain. If he can connect with how important he is to loved ones, and the hurt he causes because of it, sometimes, the abuser can chose to change course.
When we are in an intense relationship with a substance abuser, we tend to blame them for our pain, feel like we are in control and that we are the healthy one in the relationship. If your mom were to really connect with the pain this is causing her, not the anger or blame, she might see this differently as well. By owning her own hurt, she may want to get out of the relationship. Rather than imagining that he is to blame, she may see that she is choosing to stay, keeping herself stuck through the blame. By taking the blame out of the equation, she may find she has the power to leave if that is what she wants.
They might be able to heal the emotional wounds and substance abuse through honesty and clear communication.
Usually couples need outside help when substance abuse is part of a negative cycle. I suggest your mom and her boyfriend go see a certified Emotionally Focused Therapist to work through some of the pain and shame around his drinking and abuse. See www.NewEnglandEFT.com
Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT
6/3/10
Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT
Q
Our family income has suffered over the past few years with the breakdown in the economy. I have four children ages 11-17. How much should my husband and I share with them regarding family finances? We don’t want to worry or frighten them.
Casey
A
Dear Casey,
The economy has impacted all of us. The reality is that most families have had to tighten up and spend less. There are both negative and positive aspects of becoming more careful about spending and saving money.
Your question is important and timely. Our children do need to know that you are being cautious about where and how you spend money. They need to see you model good fiscal responsibility, explaining to them how to save and what a budget is.
Of course this information needs to be age appropriate. Small children can understand simple ideas of saving and careful spending. The little ones only need to know the very basics. And yes, being calm and balanced about your approach to money lessons is important.
Young teens certainly can grasp basic budgeting and it is important that they learn what things cost and how to save. You can share more with them about what a mortgage is and what the gas and electric bills cost. As they become young adults, they will understand the concept of living costs and how to plan for becoming independent.
In relaying any information about your finances, yes, your emotional attitude will come through, especially if you are fearful. It is best to leave the worrying to adults. Kids still need to be children and not worry about paying the bills, but they can learn basic lessons on spending, saving and planning for the future.
5/18/10
Q:
My 2nd husband and my son from my first marriage can’t seem to get along. As soon as we married, my husband pushed my son out of my life as much as he could. He holds him to impossible standards and behaves jealously whenever I give my son any attention. What do I do – he won’t go for counseling.
E
A:
Dear E,
Your husband’s jealousy is based on his insecure attachment to you. He feels anxious when he feels your attention is away from him. When we feel our attachment threatened, we tend to fight to keep our loved one close. Attachment is our survival mechanism, buried deep in our DNA. Feeling securely attached is just as important to us as food and water.
The underlying emotion behind an anxious attachment style is fear. Your husband is afraid you might abandon him for your son. His fear causes him to isolate you and fight off any possible intruder or competition for your attention. The greatest threat for him is, naturally, your son. You are deeply attached to your son of course and this causes your husband intense fear.
Usually we are not connected to our primary emotion such as fear or shame, what we show the world is anger and jealousy. The anger is a secondary emotion and one that is socially acceptable for men to display.
My guess is your husband is unaware of his fear of loosing you. If you could encourage him to explore what happens to him when he sees you paying attention to your son, he may be able to own the fear. This may take time and in therapy it is a step down process. Most people (men in particular) don’t want to admit fear, so discussing the matter using words like “frustrating” and “annoying” might provide a way into his real emotions. This takes time and patience, but once he can own his deeper feelings and be able to ask for what he really needs: your reassurance and secure attached love.
Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT
5/5/10
Q:
My husband and I are like roommates! He seems lost in some other world. He falls asleep early, gets up and goes to work. We barely see each other or really talk. I feel like we don't have a relationship at all, except for managing the house and kids, and that is barely together! I am not sure he even cares. What should I do? Help!
Thanks,
Jane
A:
Dear Jane,
It sounds like you both tiptoe around your problems and are afraid to bring up anything that may make waves. Marriage is in many ways an intimate exchange of hot, cold, good, bad, strong and weak feelings. You are both avoiding all of the above. If your marriage was a dance, you would both be sitting it out.
What would happen if you pointed out that you are missing him? That right here, in your marriage, every day, he is somehow removed from you? If you were to talk about how lonely you feel inside what should be a strong intimate relationship, how would he react?
Get in touch with your own feelings around not being able to reach him daily. What feelings come up for you in your body when you can’t connect with him?
If you went to him with your deeper feelings, maybe of fear, or abandonment, because it sounds so lonely in your marriage, maybe he might be able to share that he is lonely too. Perhaps he is missing you as well and has not been able to express how difficult this is for him. Deep down we are all yearning to be held, comforted and to be known by our loved one.
A disconnect has occurred in your marriage and there is hurt and sadness hidden for you both. If you two can find a way to listen to one another, with an open, non- blaming stance, you may discover some emotions and pain that you had missed.
To reconnect, we need to make it safe for our partner to come out and speak about what is really bothering him. Often our partners are trying to protect us by not speaking up. They don’t want to hurt our feelings by telling the truth.
My guess is that you both are trying to protect the other from hard to talk about emotions and, in essence, you are withdrawing emotionally from each other. Both of you are fearful of rejection and afraid to upset the other, so you both clam up and think you are keeping yourself and your partner safe by not speaking about what is truly upsetting you. This only worsens the feelings of disconnection between you.
The antidote to your disconnect is an open, honest exchange of feelings. When you both can discuss the tough subjects that may make waves in a safe and loving way, you are on your way to creating a safe a secure bond. Love or secure attachment is about building that bridge of understanding and acceptance where you both feel seen, heard and safe to be yourselves in your partner’s presence.
Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT
4/22/10
Q:
My kids are 8 and 5, girl and boy. Theirs is such a love/hate relationship that I feel like I am on a rollercoaster with them of non-stop highs and lows. They fight over me! Over who gets me reading a story to them first, they fight over the tv so they end up watching two different tvs in two different rooms, they fight over toys, food. There is a lot of "well, he got that so shouldn't I?" Then they cry to sleep together! It's driving me mad! How can I bring more peace into their relationship and our world?
A:
Sibling rivalry is arguably necessary and an important developmental component within the family system. It is the place in which each child learns to compete, and to measure themselves against each other and then the world. The bible even tackles sibling rivalry in several stories including the prodigal son. It is endemic to our human experience.
At the core of sibling rivalry is survival and therefore attachment. Literally for life and death, the child needs to feel firmly attached to you, the caregiver. If you are not there for the child, he or she could be abandoned. Secure attachment, meaning the sense that the child is loved for who he or she is and that you will always be there for them no matter what. Sibling rivalry is about one or each of the children feeling anxiety that you are not available to them or that you may favor another child, thereby abandoning them.
For the caregiver, your unique connection to each child is excruciatingly important. They are naturally going to compete with each other to get your attention. Each child needs to feel that they are the most important person to you to feel securely attached.
It is virtually impossible for parents to split everything perfectly down the middle and give each the same portion of everything. What we can do is make and take time to know each child individually. What each child is craving is the feeling that you know intrinsically who he or she is. Each of your children needs to know and feel that you value them for who they are individually.
4/14/10
Q:
I have a daughter who has chosen to be the opposite of me. I am a
conservative corporate executive at a senior level. She is completely
rebellious. My daughter has tatoos all over her body, and I support
her financially. I am worried she will never get a job. How can I
speak to her.
Signed,
S
A:
Dear S,
It sounds like your daughter is feeling terrible pain. She is looking
for attention and attachment to you through negative behaviors. Her
rebellion is her way of acting out her pain. If you can, begin to ask
her softly about what she is so angry about and you may be able find out
what is at the root of her pain. Listen carefully without judgement.
She may need to say some hurtful things to you. Allowing her to
express her hurt and listening with an open heart allows her to heal and
makes it safe for her to express herself to you. In the end, she needs
you and she is taking her anger out on you because you are safe but
she is still feeling alone. She wants to connect with you in a loving
way but you are both holding each other at arms length. Mostly, she
wants to know that you are there for her and that you love her for who
she is.
Warmly,
Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT
4/7/10
Q:
“When I am really emotional, my husband drives me crazy when he tries to solve the problem. I tell him I am upset and he acts like he knows what to do all the time. He says that I shouldn’t feel so angry, or sad or disappointed and that makes me furious. What can I do?”
LB
A:
Dear LB
What you are describing is common issue with many couples. First, as a culture, we are brought up to try to jump in and solve the problem. We want to help out when we encounter someone close to us experiencing pain. It hurts to see our loved one having a hard time. It is understandable that your husband wants to jump in and solve your problem. Deep down it probably is very hard for him to see you in pain.
His first reaction is understandable, which is to invalidate your feelings. By telling you that you shouldn’t feel that way is his way of soothing his own worry about you. He also probably invalidates his own intense feelings because that keeps him safe. When you are feeling deeply sad or angry or hurt, it is hard for him to tolerate the intensity of your reactions. To protect himself, he invalidates you.
As a result, he pushes you away, causing you to feel that emotion even more intensely, and making you feel alone and misunderstood. When we are hurting we turn to each other to sooth the pain. In therapy speak we call this “co-regulation”. This is a new concept for the therapy field because in the past we thought we should all be able to “self soothe”, or calm ourselves down alone. In fact, we are wired to calm down in close proximity to our loved ones. If you want to read up on this check out, Jim Coan’s fascinating research http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCukN_8S124
We are literally wired to feel less pain when our loved ones are near or holding our hands. When you are in pain, hurting emotionally, you are seeking your partner’s hand, emotionally and physically.
Co-regulation is about being there for the other, simply “bearing witness” as in, listening to each other’s issues and sitting with them, being there for them and not solving problems, just simply empathizing and connecting with each other. When your husband invalidates your feelings, you feel the hurt again. What you are looking for is reassurance and that he is there for you and understands you.
He wants to solve your problems thinking that this will make the hurt, pain, grief go away which only makes you feel misunderstood. Sometimes it is important to simply tell your partner that you need him/her to sit with you and hold your hand or give you a hug. With that you will feel better, soothed and calmed because he/she is right there with you, and you are not alone.
Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT
3/30/10
Q:
“I have recently separated from my husband, I have two children, a boy 18 months and a girls, 5 years old. My husband refuses to go into any type of counseling so we will proceed towards divorce. I have discovered that he has been having an affair. My question is should I be honest, now or ever, with my children regarding why our marriage broke up?”
CB
A:
I am so sorry that your husband is refusing to go into counseling. My guess is that he is afraid to be blamed for the divorce and has shame and guilt about the affair. Shame is the most difficult feeling to express most can’t tolerate any discussion or admission of it. He may also not be able to tolerate the strong emotions he has triggered in you. In counseling, you both are given a safe place to emote, hear, understand and hopefully come to a place of healing and strength after the affair. This takes enormous commitment and courage from both spouses. Some marriages can be saved after affairs and some can’t.
That being said, you are moving towards divorce and there are so many strong emotions for you to tackle. You are most likely feeling so betrayed, hurt, abandoned and alone. When our attachment figure, the person we most trust with our feelings and our lives, leaves, we are devastated. Most of us describe the event in life and death terms. Secure attachment is as important to our survival as food and water.
This takes time to heal and you may want to see a therapist to help you move through the 5 stages of grieving. See ttp://helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm.
As for a discussion with your children, at the age your children are now, very little information is necessary. Simple statements that are soft, and presented in a calm, non-blaming tone such as “Daddy and I are not in love, so we don’t want to be married any more. Daddy will always love you, as I will. You will always be safe with each of us and we will always be there for you”. Children need to know that they are going to be safe and loved.
As your children grow up and become adults and ask more questions and require more information, it is up to you to ascertain if they need to know the details of your break up. Each young adult is different and some may be able to handle hurtful information and others may not.
Sometimes the best approach is to simply suggest to the young adult that they discuss that with their other parent. What you don’t want to do is intentionally blame the other parent. The child will only feel hurt by you. (They are half of the other parent and will feel badly about themselves).
If the child is fully grown up, an adult and asking questions, you might want to describe your breakup in a non-blaming way, describing your feelings and your pain and maybe that in the end that you found strength and happiness in your new life.
Trevor Mahony Crow, LMFT
To learn more about Trevor Mahony Crow and her Southport based practice, please visit her website at www.trevormahony.com
3/23/10
Q: What do I do when my spouse doesn’t support my parenting or discipline style with the kids?
A: This is a common problem for parents. Most importantly when one parent undermines the other in front of the kids it is hurts their relationship and hurts the kids.
The key to good parenting is presenting a united front. When kids feel that their parents are a team they feel safe and secure.
What if you don’t agree with your spouse’s parenting style or decisions?
Make sure you and your spouse find a quiet, safe place away from the kids to develop and agree on a parenting framework. The two of you need to agree on general, age appropriate consequences for when the kids act out. Make a pact to follow through with the general standards you have agreed upon. This is important so the kids understand behavioral boundaries and potential consequences; this also makes them feel safe and secure.
If you find you and your spouse stuck and unable to come to an agreement around parenting, there could be an issue within the marriage that needs to be addressed. When one spouse undermines the other in front of the kids or anyone else, it does damage to their relationship. It is an attachment wound.
Something as simple as one parent saying no to ice cream and the other saying yes sets up the good cop/bad cop interaction. The kids will know who to go to for the fun stuff, making the “yes” parent feel good momentarily. The bad cop parent or one saying no feels that he/she is now the bad guy and less wanted by the kids. That parent feels left out and angry.
One of the burning questions in all of our intense relationships is “Are you there for me?” or “Do you have my back”. When one parent has undermined the other, the message is “I am not there for you”. This is toxic for the relationship and deeply hurtful to the other parent.
Being able to voice your pain around an undermining event is profoundly important for the other parent to understand and to change their behavior. We often communicate our hurt through anger, but this only pushes the other away. Connecting to the hurt, voicing it to your partner and discussing it in a safe way will hopefully put you both in a better place to parent as a team.
If you need more help, be sure to find a Certified Emotionally Focused Therapist.
Visit www.Newenglandeft.com
To learn more about Trevor Mahony Crow and her Southport based practice, please visit her website at www.trevormahony.com
